It happened…

It happened, the day is finally here, I just left my baby at nursery for the first time. How did this day actually come around? it seemed like it was always in the future and would never actually be now.

Walking away
I’ve been dreading this day for some time, walking away from my child and leaving him in the care of what are essentially strangers is hands down one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’m currently hiding out in a coffee shop next door consoling myself with a bagel and a side order of trembling bottom lip, must not cry, must not cry… until I get home anyway.  I’ve got a million feelings swishing around inside of me, inside the space where my baby grew and lived not that long ago.
The sadness and guilt I feel for walking out of the door is awful, it’s been just us for so long and I love our little crew of 2.  Totally and utterly selfishly I feel a bit lost without my little best mate.  Most of all I feel sad that he might be upset, that he might feel scared because of a choice we’ve had to make, that it’s through our choice that I’m not there comforting him.

It’s hard to fight your instincts that tell you to grab him and leg it when he’s crying and reaching out his little arms for you.  The logical part of my brain tells me that the chances are he’s had a little cry and is now having the time of his life and will cry when he has to come home with me!  Logic also reassures me that although I will remember this moment in time for the rest of my life, he won’t.  He loves being around other kids and there is so much he will get to do at nursery that I’m just not able to do with him at home day in day out.

Is it all about me?

Is this about him or is it actually all about me?  Am I more upset for the feelings I think he may be having or am I really more upset for myself?  I feel a little bit lonely without him, I’m envious of the nursery staff that will be spending so much time with him, time that used to be all mine, our little bubble has burst.  Quite simply I’m just not ready but I know that I will never be ready, so here we are.

Pros and cons
The sane part of me knows that there are many pros as well as cons in this situation and there will be lots of benefits for all of us as a family.  This little person has pretty much been my be all and end all for the past 12 months and it might be time that I rejoined the outside world more often and spent a little more time enjoying all the other amazing people in my life.  Mr me has taken a huge back seat whilst I have spent all of my energy on our son, it’s been great to be able to do that but I don’t want him to be second best any more, because he isn’t.

Parents have to make hard choices every day of the week for their families and I know that in the grand scheme of things I’m one of the lucky ones.  Hopefully once the next couple of months are under our belts I will be able to focus on the positives and pack the negatives away, a least some of them anyway.

Send me strength, gin and waterproof mascara please, I’m going to need it!

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