So the journey begins….

So, when I first created this blog I hadn’t really decided on any specific things that I would write about, I just wanted an area of my own to share my thoughts with others and have a record of what I’d been up to… to look back upon and cringe over at my leisure.
Since setting up this blog I have found out that we are expecting a baby… yay! What has been unexpected however is just how much this little human appears to have taken over my body, thoughts and general life as a whole already, in a fantastic way of course. So it’s probably fair to say that many of my posts will be about being pregnant (and clueless), baby stuff (tiny little cute, oh my god I want it all stuff), birth (we aren’t going there yet, just a little cough and baby pops out right?) and all the other good (and bad) stuff that follows. So, lets start at the very beginning.. no not that bit!.. the first trimester.

The first trimester
Having probably used the word trimester around 3 times in my whole life prior to this year I now appear to be saying it on a daily basis. So my first piece of education in this whole pregnancy lark was finding out that theres 3 bits to this, trimesters 1,2 and 3 aka the beginning, middle and end. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant but let’s deal with the beginning bit first, the first 12 weeks.

Finding out 
Got a test, did it… 2 lines.. help what does that mean? is it really a line? am I seeing things? Having been told I was unlikely to ever conceive I suppose I had kind of avoided taking much of an interest or learning about pregnancy and baby related stuff as a form of self preservation so this is all so new to me. To see a positive test seemed too unbelievable, could we really be that lucky, could there really be the start of a little life in there? Inevitably I went and got another million tests to make, double, triple sure. It wasn’t until I saw the words pregnant on the digital test that I let myself believe it and my life truly changed.

Telling Mr me was both exciting and nerve wracking, we had done it, we had really done it… oh my god we are now responsible for a little person! We were excited and terrified in equal measure and I think it really took the full first 3 months to sink and in feel real.

Mum’s the word
I wanted to tell the world, I wanted everyone to know how happy I was and also to provide a reason for the increasing knackeredness and unreasonable behaviour! We wanted to wait to make sure all was well before telling anyone, this would be a first grandchild for both sets of parents and perhaps one they thought they would never see so we wanted to be sure. I found it extremely hard to be so excited, scared and everything in-between and not be able to talk about it. Of course Mr me and I spoke about it, it would have been great to be able to speak to someone close who had been pregnant too tho, someone that could understand first hand the irrational thoughts in my mind and the changes I was feeling.

The fear
This was, without doubt, the hardest 3 months of my life, it was also the best in many ways but I was so unprepared for the anxiety and fear I would feel during this time. There is so much information available at the click of a button and I think it’s too easy to over educate yourself unnecessarily at this stage, looking up every single thing that possibly go wrong, focussing on those things and not just enjoying the time. Initially I was excited then quite quickly I almost pushed that excitement down inside in case all did not go well, I couldn’t let myself be as excited and happy as I wanted to be.. just in case. I really regret that now as I know that if something bad had happened I would have been just as upset had I let myself get excited or not. Life will throw at you what it will and there’s not always much you can do about it, fretting and stressing about what if’s will not change anything. Every pain I felt resulted in tears and me talking to my tummy willing the little one to be strong and not leave us.
Add in to the mix pregnancy forums, they are a gift and a curse, especially during this first few months. They are a great source of comfort and reassurance from others, especially from those 2nd, 3rd, 4th timers who were able to share lots of advice with those first timers like myself who were bricking it! Unfortunately and inevitably were been some very sad outcomes from those I had come to know in this virtual world. It was heartbreaking and scary but also showed me the amazing strength people are capable of.

The medically type bits
After I had taken the multitude of pregnancy tests I had no idea what I was supposed to do next, I figured I would need to see the doctor and they would do some kind of “proper” test to confirm everything… wrong! I called the surgery, told the receptionist I needed to see the doc to have a test, she said “no, its fine, your test is as good as ours. Congratulations, you will receive a call from a midwife in the next few weeks”. What? that was it, really? Yep, just go about your day to day life until you hear from a midwife. I could barely think about anything else 24 hours a day, normal day to day life didn’t exist to me anymore. I received a letter to say I’d see the midwife at week 10… it seemed a lifetime away, what on earth was I supposed to do until then? I felt like I was the only person to ever be pregnant and surely there must be more to it than this?!
The midwife appointment was fairly long, lots of questions about medical history, wee tests, blood tests, weighing in.. urgh. At this point it was all still quite surreal, I was sat there with a midwife talking about which hospital I wanted to give birth in. I had never expected any of this to happen, I had wanted it but had accepted that it wasn’t to be and had started to think about plans for extending our family through adoption in the future. To be sat in that room was almost like an out of body experience, I was now a pregnant lady talking to my midwife.

The scans(s)
We had our 12 week scan booked in for the day I would be 13 weeks, the wait between finding out I was pregnant and this date seemed like a lifetime, I just wanted them to have a look and tell me there was someone in there and I hadn’t just gone insane! As soon as I received the letter for the scan appointment my life immediately revolved around that date.
Anyway, we ended up having an emergency scan at bang on 12 weeks as I had some hefty pains and was convinced something was not right. Sitting in that waiting room was not a fun experience, I was so scared and was trying to prepare myself to hear awful news. We were called in, I lay there squeezing Mr me’s hand and gritting my teeth ready for what was next. As soon as I saw the sonographer lean over to turn the screen to face us I felt the biggest sense of relief I have ever felt in my life, little one was there and that little heart was beating like crazy! Of course I burst into uncontrollable tears, that was without doubt the biggest moment of my life right there, we were parents! We got a little photo to take home and I can’t count the time I spent staring at it.
The next scan a week later was equally as amazing and we were able to get some more photos for me to obsess over and to soon be able to show off to our family and friends.

My hero
Mr me has been amazing since we found out, he immediately started researching to make sure that I eating well and sending me off to work with lovely packed lunches.  He has smiled through my constant complaining and brought the foot rubs when I’ve needed them (all the time :)).  He has gone into superman mode re decorating the house all on his own and is doing the most fantastic job, even when I keep changing my mind about things and am probably not understanding how hard some of it is! Whilst I’ve no doubt driven him slowly mad inside he has driven me to aquanatal classes and endless trips to baby shops to look at the same things over and over again!  I would have been totally lost without him and love him even more than ever.  He is going to be a fantastic dad and I know that our little one couldn’t want for anything more in a father.  You can put your sick bags away now, I’ve finished, almost 😉

Everything has changed so much over the last few months and I could never have imagined that within a couple of weeks of moving into our very own home together we would have created a new life. I feel like I’ve already changed so much and have so much to look forward to, in the long term the first smiles, the first steps, the first words, in the short term the awful back ache, chronic wind (the kind so bad even I want to get away from myself, I know, nice eh) and outbursts of tears for no apparent reason… but I would take it all a million times and more for this little person of ours inside me who is already so loved.

If anyone is reading my first ever post.. thank you!
As I said earlier this is the steepest learning curve ever for me, I am pretty much a blank canvas when it comes to all things pregnancy and baby related so any advice or top tips are truly gratefully received!  Posts won’t always be baby focussed, I’m just a tiny bit obsessed right now 😉

x

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